The Whole 9 Yards

On this day, two years ago, my life was completely different. My world crumbled. I had just found out that I was pregnant and was scheduled to get an abortion on the 9th of September that year, 2022. I remember each day leading to that appointment felt like a nightmare. On the day itself, right when I was in line with planned parenthood, I decided to keep my baby.

It was the most challenging time of my life. I was terrified, yet in my heart, I knew it was my time to be a mom.

Those days were hard. I felt alone. The people closest to me were against my decision and were not shy about letting me know of their disapproval. Someone very important to me told me, “I thought you were smart. You’re making a stupid decision.”

On the contrary, it was the best decision of my life.

Today, on this warm morning of the 7th of September 2024, my beautiful daughter is asleep upstairs with her dad. I’ve already taken out my boys (Popoy and Peanut), and I’m sipping on my cup of coffee. I’m in our new home. It’s quiet. Peaceful. The peace I cultivated.

The months leading up to this calm morning felt like a storm that would never end—event after event. Major changes. Big moves. I had to buy a car. I had to lease this townhouse. I had to exhaust the resources I had so carefully and meticulously built. I had to postpone a goal of mine, one that I have been working on for so long. I’ve invested so much energy, money, and time into this goal. I was so close to the finish line, only to withdraw from the race at the very last minute.

A triumphant defeat.

It was during these times that I truly saw myself. I am so beautiful. I am selfless, genuine, honest, kind, brave, resilient, strong. All the words I speak to my daughter every day, I spoke to myself. Life showed me what I’m made of.

In the process of providing and making a home for my family, I’ve come home to myself.

My sweet love, everyday I fall more and more in love with you. You are so beautiful, brave, smart, kind, silly, and funny. It is 10:31 PM. You are sound asleep beside mama.

Where do I begin my love…. You are growing up so fast. I’m trying to savor each day with you. This age. This phase. You. These days go by in a blink of an eye. You just make mama so so so happy.

I do my best to fill your days with wonder and adventure. In the afternoon, I make sure to take you outside to connect with nature. I let you stand on the grass with bare feet. Grounding my love. Then you would usually sit down on my slippers and play with the dry leaves on the ground. Picking them up, staring at them, breaking them in your little hands. You are so intrigued with the brittleness of dry brown leaves. After the dry leaves you try to get on your knees to crawl on the grass but I pick you up.

Too much bugs anak. I know you really want to crawl around but your brothers (Popoy and Peanut) poop in the grass. Mama is just protecting you by making sure you don’t touch anything dirty or get bitten by bugs creeping in the grass.

My curious little love. I wonder what goes on in that mind of yours.

The other day you and I were playing with your dinosaurs. A gift from mama’s bff, your ninang Mica. You were laughing so hard at the way mama was saying “Jump jump jump” in my dinosaur voice. Oh my gosh Amelia, I wish my phone was close by so I could have recorded your precious non stop giggles. You were laughing for 10 minutes straight! My love you give me countless moments and memories like that on a daily. Each one of them I cherish deeply. My goal is to make you laugh everyday. Hearing you giggle is like hearing my favorite song. It’s the best.

You also love to read. Every time mama hands you a book, you carefully go through each page. You don’t like mama turning the page for you. My little bookworm. I love it when I leave you in your playpen with a book and catch you just going through the pages. You always knew how to entertain yourself.

Amelia, being your mom is my favorite thing in the world. Know that you are always first. Even when there is a million things going on, Amelia Blaire comes first.

Even when you were in my tummy mama sang to you. But since the day you were born, specifically sang the mocking bird song. I even have my own version for you. It’s my go to lullaby back in the days when I had to rock you to sleep. Now every time I sing that song, it makes you smile and you look at me with so much love in your eyes. It’s all the love I need anak. I knew you were listening to mama this whole time…

I am so lucky to be your mom, Amelia Blaire. Every time I look at you, I’m reminded of how beautiful life is. You are my strength, my purpose and my reason.

Sweet dreams my darling daughter. I love you more than life itself Amelia Blaire.

It is 1:55 PM, Manila time. I am alone in the living room. Everybody’s home. Jared and Amelia are in our room winding down for nap time. Kuya and Merey are in their room. Anton is in his. Before taking a seat, I hovered over my journal. Should I keep these thoughts to myself? I opened my laptop and here I am. Typing away. Perhaps these are thoughts worth sharing.

I haven’t had much down time since I arrived in Manila. This is my first trip home since becoming a mother. To be honest, I was quite nervous to see my friends again. So much has changed since I last saw them. In the States, my life revolves around my family, work, and my goals. I am on mommy mode 100% of the time.

The last time I was here, all my time and attention went to my friends. I was flexible. My time was my own. I could do whatever I want, when I want. We partied, drank, stayed up late. Obviously now, I can’t do any of those things without thinking of Amelia first. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with them. They’ve never seen me as a mom… will they still like me this way?

Right when we pulled up to our house I knew they were there. The lights were off in the living room, and it was quiet. I opened the front door and there they were. My best friends. I was so happy yet felt a little shy. Then my my daughter immediately cried at the sound of our laughter and the site of unfamiliar faces. At that moment, my two worlds collided, and I realized that Mia has never seen me this way before either. My time and attention divided… and I thought, will she still like me this way?

In my room back at home in the US, I wrote a note to myself that goes, “Do not worry.” I was right. There was nothing to worry about, because my friends were so warm and welcoming.. as they always were. They all loved Mia that they even had an instagram page ready for all the photos that they will take of her while we’re here in the Philippines. Amelia opened up to my friends so quickly and lovingly. I’m so proud of my little girl.

As for my friends and I, it’s as if no time has passed. Nothing’s changed but somehow this time everything felt magnified. Our friendship, love, and loyalty to each other. I couldn’t ask for a better set of forever people.

All these questions I stressed over before coming home, when the only question worth asking was – How did I get so lucky?

4/30/2024

…they say.

I wake up earlier in the day to do some focused work. Feed the dogs if Jared hasn’t yet. Ideally, I would do five to ten minutes of yoga to get the endorphins kicking. I would have a moment of silence with my coffee and my thoughts before Amelia wakes up.

Realistically, Amelia wakes up around the same time I do. I give her my morning cuddles and tell her how much I love her. Good morning Amelia. My mommy hat is on. It’s like I have an on/off switch. If she’s hungry I offer my breastmilk. I take her out for some sun, greet the world good morning, and prepare her first solid food meal. In the morning, it’s either a vegetable or fruit puree. I will play with her for a while then put her back to sleep for her first nap. On a good day that will all be done by 10AM. But sometimes, Amelia’s not in the best mood, and our “morning” stretches til one or two in the afternoon.

When she’s down for a nap, that’s my time to work again. If I have extra time I’ll slip in a workout already, if not then the workout has to wait. When Mia is awake again, I breastfeed, then we read or play, depending on her mood, and then I leave her in her crib for her alone time. Even when she’s in her crib, my attention is not fully on work. She’s rolling now and I got to make sure she won’t bump her head on the railing of her crib. My intrusive thoughts are constant ever since I got pregnant.

When I clock out at 4:30, I spend uninterrupted time with Amelia. This is also my break from the day. If she takes a nap, that’s my cue to get some chores done. If she doesn’t, I put her in her bassinet, play some Bluey or Natgeo Disney for her, and then clean the house… if she lets me.

At night, I give her a bath to wash away the day. I give her a bath every night. I want her to sleep and wake up fresh. I tuck her into bed, talk to her, and read her a book. I always ask her what her favorite part of the day was. For now it’s oooh and aaahs but one day she’ll be able to verbalize her thoughts, and I know we’ll have the best conversations. Then she stares at with those beautiful little eyes smiles, then falls asleep.

On a good day, that would all be done by 10PM. Sometimes it stretches til 1AM.

It’s my turn to take a bath. I listen to my favorite podcast while I’m in the shower. Put some work into my goals. Read a book before bed or go on my phone if I have any good pictures to edit and post. Then, think about my favorite of the day then go to sleep.

Have I lost myself in motherhood? No. If anything, I found myself in it. I still work towards being the best me. Same goals, same dreams, just a lot more driven and inspired.

Motherhood is hard. Yet, despite all the bad days and mental breakdowns (lol), the joy that comes with being a mom is insurmountable.

10/20/23

The other night, we were driving home from our favorite hotpot place. It was a full moon. Amelia was on my chest, sleeping. I can feel her gentle breathing. Her hair is soft like cotton. I remember listening to my baby’s heartbeat through a doppler during pregnancy. Now, I can hear her little heart pound by simply putting my ear to her chest. It is still music to my ears.

It’s amazing to see how much Amelia has grown. She’s already six months old and has gone from being tiny enough to fit in my chest space to as long as my entire torso. As I realize how quickly time is passing, I hold her a little tighter. Maybe time will slow down this way.

My mind then wanders towards the window. It wasn’t too dark out at 8 p.m. The full moon illuminates the mountains, casting a faint silhouette of its slopes. The mountains have left my view, but now I am fixed on the electric posts that extend through the freeway. I’m feeling inspired. I can paint this.

Electric posts extend to infinity, or so it seems. It reminds me of home.

Back home electric posts are closer together. Roads are smaller. Traffic is worse. People cross the street anytime they please. It was warmer, literally and figuratively. I miss home.

Amelia makes a sound. I gently pat her to sleep. I realize, I’m home.

11/6/23

An old photo popped up on my phone the other day. It was a photo of Mark and I, taken back in 2013. We were sophomores in high school. It was PALARO (sportsfest) season. The most awaited event in our school. So as classmates we were on the same team. He was the captain for the volleyball boys, while I was captain for the girls. Our teams were both champions that year!! He and I also won individual awards in the volleyball division that year, “Most Promising Player”. It was amazing. At that time, it meant the world.

Sophomore year was the year Mark and I became close. It was definitely one of my favorite years of high school. We had so much fun memories in the classroom, fieldtrip, programs. I remember how much he loved Kelly Clarkson. Then when our friend Mild bought him an album for Christmas, he was so shy that he didn’t know how to react.

On the weekends, we played volleyball with our other friends. Those were good days. Not worrying about anything but grades, friends, and hobbies. I’m just lucky that the people who had the same hobbies as me, were also the best people to surround myself with.

In our senior year, Mark and I were classmates again! It was a bit different though because our priorities changed. It was not all volleyball anymore. Our focus shifted to college applications.

In the Philippines, there is what we call the “Big 4”. These are the top universities in the Philippines. UP, Ateneo, DLSU and UST. There is an ongoing debate to this day about the ranking of these four universities but I’ll toot my own horn and say De La Salle University (“DLSU”) is number one…. even though everyone knows it’s UP….and I really just subconsciously listed the universities in the order of my personal ranking.

Cute little story, Mark and I took the UPCAT together. My dad drove us to UP. UP’s test is known to be the hardest entrance exam, so there is a break mid way. I remember we were making fun of each other because we brought too many snacks. It was like we were going on a field trip. HAHA!

After the test, my dad took us to Shakey’s to calm the nerves. That day felt different. Change was coming, and we could definitely feel it.

I didn’t pass the UPCAT, but Mark did. In fact, Mark was one of the very, very few people to pass all Big 4 schools. 4/4. Prolific.

One of the things Mark and I had in common was our dream of becoming lawyers. He wanted to become a CPA lawyer, so he decided to take up Accounting in UST. I went to DLSU. Although our schools were both in Manila, it was still pretty far, and of course college is a whole new world.

We didn’t see each other often when college started BUT- there was this one time that he and I caught the same bus going to school. His school was in Espana while mine was in Taft and we caught the same bus… I know… what are the chances!!!

It was fate. When I saw him I immediately sat beside him and we were just chatting away the whole ride. We were both so excited to see each other. He was glowing. Giddy. Different.I remember thinking how much Mark changed. He seemed more confident and so much happier. He just had a spark in him that I’ve never seen before. I was so proud of him.

I had to leave for the States shortly after that. I moved away for a year. When I came back from the U.S., he and I started to hang out again with our friends Mica and Vedeo.

The last time we hung out was when Mark, Mica, and Vedeo came over to my house to bake cupcakes. Our house had just been renovated, and I wanted my friends to come and try our new oven. We spent all afternoon baking, laughing, and exchanging stories. Mark was telling us about his drunk adventures with his college friends. The one where he had to go to Bulacan and come right back home an hour later. In that one hour, he was able to get himself drunk. Haha!

Mark had to go home early that night so we walked him to the gate of our village. When we were saying our goodbyes, I’ll never forget the urge to hug him. We had a great day together and I was happy that we were close again, but I remember that Mark didn’t like to be hugged, so I held back.

If there is one thing I regret not doing in this life, it would probably be not hugging him that night.

Mark was one of the smartest people I know. Academically he was excellent. His achievements spoke for him. Yet, he was also naturally wise. I always admired the way he carried himself with such grace and humility. Despite his soft spoken shell, he is actually the type of person who commanded everyone’s attention when he would speak. He was an athlete. He was funny without ever trying to be. He was honest without ever being mean. He was ambitious. He was headstrong. He was sincere. He was kind. I remember in high school he didn’t liked being hugged because he was just awkward like that but that’s what we loved about him.

I dreamt about Mark two years ago. I’ll never forget that dream. The details were vivid but he was clear. We were back in high school. In class chatting away. I asked him how he was, and he said he was okay. It was like he was reassuring me. And finally, I was able to hug him.

Thank you for that.. we miss you and we love you forever!!!

I’m so lucky to have known you in this lifetime, Mark. It’s an honor to call you my friend.