The Whole 9 Yards

It is 1:55 PM, Manila time. I am alone in the living room. Everybody’s home. Jared and Amelia are in our room winding down for nap time. Kuya and Merey are in their room. Anton is in his. Before taking a seat, I hovered over my journal. Should I keep these thoughts to myself? I opened my laptop and here I am. Typing away. Perhaps these are thoughts worth sharing.

I haven’t had much down time since I arrived in Manila. This is my first trip home since becoming a mother. To be honest, I was quite nervous to see my friends again. So much has changed since I last saw them. In the States, my life revolves around my family, work, and my goals. I am on mommy mode 100% of the time.

The last time I was here, all my time and attention went to my friends. I was flexible. My time was my own. I could do whatever I want, when I want. We partied, drank, stayed up late. Obviously now, I can’t do any of those things without thinking of Amelia first. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with them. They’ve never seen me as a mom… will they still like me this way?

Right when we pulled up to our house I knew they were there. The lights were off in the living room, and it was quiet. I opened the front door and there they were. My best friends. I was so happy yet felt a little shy. Then my my daughter immediately cried at the sound of our laughter and the site of unfamiliar faces. At that moment, my two worlds collided, and I realized that Mia has never seen me this way before either. My time and attention divided… and I thought, will she still like me this way?

In my room back at home in the US, I wrote a note to myself that goes, “Do not worry.” I was right. There was nothing to worry about, because my friends were so warm and welcoming.. as they always were. They all loved Mia that they even had an instagram page ready for all the photos that they will take of her while we’re here in the Philippines. Amelia opened up to my friends so quickly and lovingly. I’m so proud of my little girl.

As for my friends and I, it’s as if no time has passed. Nothing’s changed but somehow this time everything felt magnified. Our friendship, love, and loyalty to each other. I couldn’t ask for a better set of forever people.

All these questions I stressed over before coming home, when the only question worth asking was – How did I get so lucky?

4/30/2024

…they say.

I wake up earlier in the day to do some focused work. Feed the dogs if Jared hasn’t yet. Ideally, I would do five to ten minutes of yoga to get the endorphins kicking. I would have a moment of silence with my coffee and my thoughts before Amelia wakes up.

Realistically, Amelia wakes up around the same time I do. I give her my morning cuddles and tell her how much I love her. Good morning Amelia. My mommy hat is on. It’s like I have an on/off switch. If she’s hungry I offer my breastmilk. I take her out for some sun, greet the world good morning, and prepare her first solid food meal. In the morning, it’s either a vegetable or fruit puree. I will play with her for a while then put her back to sleep for her first nap. On a good day that will all be done by 10AM. But sometimes, Amelia’s not in the best mood, and our “morning” stretches til one or two in the afternoon.

When she’s down for a nap, that’s my time to work again. If I have extra time I’ll slip in a workout already, if not then the workout has to wait. When Mia is awake again, I breastfeed, then we read or play, depending on her mood, and then I leave her in her crib for her alone time. Even when she’s in her crib, my attention is not fully on work. She’s rolling now and I got to make sure she won’t bump her head on the railing of her crib. My intrusive thoughts are constant ever since I got pregnant.

When I clock out at 4:30, I spend uninterrupted time with Amelia. This is also my break from the day. If she takes a nap, that’s my cue to get some chores done. If she doesn’t, I put her in her bassinet, play some Bluey or Natgeo Disney for her, and then clean the house… if she lets me.

At night, I give her a bath to wash away the day. I give her a bath every night. I want her to sleep and wake up fresh. I tuck her into bed, talk to her, and read her a book. I always ask her what her favorite part of the day was. For now it’s oooh and aaahs but one day she’ll be able to verbalize her thoughts, and I know we’ll have the best conversations. Then she stares at with those beautiful little eyes smiles, then falls asleep.

On a good day, that would all be done by 10PM. Sometimes it stretches til 1AM.

It’s my turn to take a bath. I listen to my favorite podcast while I’m in the shower. Put some work into my goals. Read a book before bed or go on my phone if I have any good pictures to edit and post. Then, think about my favorite of the day then go to sleep.

Have I lost myself in motherhood? No. If anything, I found myself in it. I still work towards being the best me. Same goals, same dreams, just a lot more driven and inspired.

Motherhood is hard. Yet, despite all the bad days and mental breakdowns (lol), the joy that comes with being a mom is insurmountable.

10/20/23

The other night, we were driving home from our favorite hotpot place. It was a full moon. Amelia was on my chest, sleeping. I can feel her gentle breathing. Her hair is soft like cotton. I remember listening to my baby’s heartbeat through a doppler during pregnancy. Now, I can hear her little heart pound by simply putting my ear to her chest. It is still music to my ears.

It’s amazing to see how much Amelia has grown. She’s already six months old and has gone from being tiny enough to fit in my chest space to as long as my entire torso. As I realize how quickly time is passing, I hold her a little tighter. Maybe time will slow down this way.

My mind then wanders towards the window. It wasn’t too dark out at 8 p.m. The full moon illuminates the mountains, casting a faint silhouette of its slopes. The mountains have left my view, but now I am fixed on the electric posts that extend through the freeway. I’m feeling inspired. I can paint this.

Electric posts extend to infinity, or so it seems. It reminds me of home.

Back home electric posts are closer together. Roads are smaller. Traffic is worse. People cross the street anytime they please. It was warmer, literally and figuratively. I miss home.

Amelia makes a sound. I gently pat her to sleep. I realize, I’m home.

11/6/23

An old photo popped up on my phone the other day. It was a photo of Mark and I, taken back in 2013. We were sophomores in high school. It was PALARO (sportsfest) season. The most awaited event in our school. So as classmates we were on the same team. He was the captain for the volleyball boys, while I was captain for the girls. Our teams were both champions that year!! He and I also won individual awards in the volleyball division that year, “Most Promising Player”. It was amazing. At that time, it meant the world.

Sophomore year was the year Mark and I became close. It was definitely one of my favorite years of high school. We had so much fun memories in the classroom, fieldtrip, programs. I remember how much he loved Kelly Clarkson. Then when our friend Mild bought him an album for Christmas, he was so shy that he didn’t know how to react.

On the weekends, we played volleyball with our other friends. Those were good days. Not worrying about anything but grades, friends, and hobbies. I’m just lucky that the people who had the same hobbies as me, were also the best people to surround myself with.

In our senior year, Mark and I were classmates again! It was a bit different though because our priorities changed. It was not all volleyball anymore. Our focus shifted to college applications.

In the Philippines, there is what we call the “Big 4”. These are the top universities in the Philippines. UP, Ateneo, DLSU and UST. There is an ongoing debate to this day about the ranking of these four universities but I’ll toot my own horn and say De La Salle University (“DLSU”) is number one…. even though everyone knows it’s UP….and I really just subconsciously listed the universities in the order of my personal ranking.

Cute little story, Mark and I took the UPCAT together. My dad drove us to UP. UP’s test is known to be the hardest entrance exam, so there is a break mid way. I remember we were making fun of each other because we brought too many snacks. It was like we were going on a field trip. HAHA!

After the test, my dad took us to Shakey’s to calm the nerves. That day felt different. Change was coming, and we could definitely feel it.

I didn’t pass the UPCAT, but Mark did. In fact, Mark was one of the very, very few people to pass all Big 4 schools. 4/4. Prolific.

One of the things Mark and I had in common was our dream of becoming lawyers. He wanted to become a CPA lawyer, so he decided to take up Accounting in UST. I went to DLSU. Although our schools were both in Manila, it was still pretty far, and of course college is a whole new world.

We didn’t see each other often when college started BUT- there was this one time that he and I caught the same bus going to school. His school was in Espana while mine was in Taft and we caught the same bus… I know… what are the chances!!!

It was fate. When I saw him I immediately sat beside him and we were just chatting away the whole ride. We were both so excited to see each other. He was glowing. Giddy. Different.I remember thinking how much Mark changed. He seemed more confident and so much happier. He just had a spark in him that I’ve never seen before. I was so proud of him.

I had to leave for the States shortly after that. I moved away for a year. When I came back from the U.S., he and I started to hang out again with our friends Mica and Vedeo.

The last time we hung out was when Mark, Mica, and Vedeo came over to my house to bake cupcakes. Our house had just been renovated, and I wanted my friends to come and try our new oven. We spent all afternoon baking, laughing, and exchanging stories. Mark was telling us about his drunk adventures with his college friends. The one where he had to go to Bulacan and come right back home an hour later. In that one hour, he was able to get himself drunk. Haha!

Mark had to go home early that night so we walked him to the gate of our village. When we were saying our goodbyes, I’ll never forget the urge to hug him. We had a great day together and I was happy that we were close again, but I remember that Mark didn’t like to be hugged, so I held back.

If there is one thing I regret not doing in this life, it would probably be not hugging him that night.

Mark was one of the smartest people I know. Academically he was excellent. His achievements spoke for him. Yet, he was also naturally wise. I always admired the way he carried himself with such grace and humility. Despite his soft spoken shell, he is actually the type of person who commanded everyone’s attention when he would speak. He was an athlete. He was funny without ever trying to be. He was honest without ever being mean. He was ambitious. He was headstrong. He was sincere. He was kind. I remember in high school he didn’t liked being hugged because he was just awkward like that but that’s what we loved about him.

I dreamt about Mark two years ago. I’ll never forget that dream. The details were vivid but he was clear. We were back in high school. In class chatting away. I asked him how he was, and he said he was okay. It was like he was reassuring me. And finally, I was able to hug him.

Thank you for that.. we miss you and we love you forever!!!

I’m so lucky to have known you in this lifetime, Mark. It’s an honor to call you my friend.

“One day we won’t have to say goodbye anymore,” I remember thinking to myself everytime we dropped my mom off at the airport. My heart broke a little each time she left. My mom moved to America when I was in fifth grade, and would come back every few years to visit my brothers and I. I was 11 years old back then. I only saw her a handful of times after that point. Amazingly though, even from thousands of miles away, I always felt so close to her. Our bond remained through the years. It’s like she never left. My mom’s magic.

So, from my tween years through my teenage years up until my early adult years, I was raised by my dad. Can you imagine the amount and variety of phases a girl goes through in that time frame? The boys’ phase, the bitch phase, the party girl phase, the “I hate everyone” phase, the “what-the-heck do I do with myself in this lockdown” phase, etc. Sometimes I would even go through multiple phases simultaneously. Haha! A lot of big days happened in those years too, such as prom, high school graduation, my debut, first day of college, college graduation, first job, etc. Preparing for prom with just my dad was funny, it’s like he didn’t know what to do in terms of the girly stuff but he did the best he could. He was there for everything. Thanks, dad.

My dad flew here from the Philippines to meet his granddaughter. It was heartwarming to see how much he loved Amelia. This trip was much needed for many reasons. I’m so grateful that we had the means and the opportunity to spend so much time together. He did everything he could to help us out. He cleaned our home, did our laundry, folded our clothes, scrubbed the floors, washed the dishes, cooked for us, watched Amelia… everything. He helped where he could, like he always did growing up. Again, thanks, dad.

Personally, this trip was very meaningful because I feel like my dad and I got our closure. When I left home for good in 2021, he and I weren’t in the best place. A few weeks before leaving the Philippines, I let out a lifetime’s worth of pent up pain and anger. Unfortunately, my honest expression caused a strain on our relationship. He never said it, but I know I hurt him. It was never my intention to hurt my dad but deep down I knew that it was the right thing to do. I wouldn’t be able to move forward and be at the mental and emotional space I am today, if I carried such pain around in in my heart.

We shared an honest moment recently. I told him how happy I was to have him here because we weren’t okay when I left home and I felt like we were healing. Then he hugged me and said that we were never gonna be “not okay”. That was a good moment.

When we dropped him off at the airport the other day, my heart broke a little. And I found myself thinking, “I hope one day we won’t have to say goodbye anymore.”

It’s 2:38 AM. My daughter is on my chest sleeping. I had just breastfed her, changed her diaper, and burped her. I do this every two to three hours depending on her. It has been 9 days since the birth of my beautiful baby. I’ve been on a different kind of high. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

On May 18, 2023, at 5:47 PM I made my last push then I heard her precious cry , saw her perfect face, and finally held her –everything immediately changed. I felt a rush. I felt stronger. I felt relief. I felt a love I’ve never felt before. This love was intense. I would do anything for this little human. Protecting her is the most powerful instinct I have. This was, in it’s very first moments, motherhood.

Amelia and I have an amazing connection. I’m amazed by the human body. It’s magical as it is natural. My breasts literally leak when she feeds formula and I wake up so easily to her cries.

Side story: I shared this thought with her grandmothers the other day. I thought they would relate to me cause they had children of their own, obviously, or atleast be happy for me since I had just given birth to their granddaughter. Instead I was met with what felt like almost competitive remarks. One stated that they had an amazing connection with Amelia too, while the other stated that if it wasn’t for them Amelia wouldn’t be here. Hmmmm.

What I meant to confide in your grandmothers, Amelia, was that I’m very in sync with you. We always had our own secret language ever since you were in my tummy. Our bond strengthened with every contraction during labor. You guided mommy through it all. You let mommy know when it was the right time to go to the hospital, when it was the right time to take the epidural and when it was time to push. Now that you’re here with me, our connection remains, and it only gets stronger everyday. That’s why you are such a calm baby, because you know that mommy knows what you need.

My Amelia. Everyday I wake up seeing you and I feel complete bliss. You are perfect in every way. You are my life’s greatest joy.

I love you more than life itself, Amelia Blaire.