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About time
Time is funny. It’s like each time I look in the mirror, I see a different person.
The first time I looked, I saw this girl with fear in her eyes, she had just found out she was pregnant. The next time I looked, I saw the same girl, but she did not seem so scared anymore. Her tummy was enormous, and her face was swollen, yet it was the most beautiful I’ve ever seen her. The next time I looked, she wasn’t alone anymore. Her eyes looked tired, and contrary to my first statement, THIS is the most beautiful I’ve ever seen her. She was overwhelmed, but she was at peace. The little baby in her arms, Amelia, was only days old. Now, I look in the mirror, looking so much like the first girl but entirely different. I look older, yet I’ve never looked happier. Amelia is now walking and is at the phase where she clings to me like a sloth.
I love this point in time. I wish I could press pause. Ever since I became a mom, it’s like life is on fast forward.
I’ve been talking to my friends a lot recently. One of my best friends is getting married, so we’re all very excited! I am very grateful for the moments I get to connect with them. We are in different time zones, and they are just as busy in their own endeavors. Time feels different when I speak to them. It’s like no time has passed at all. We talk and laugh like we’re the same people in high school. All the first loves, heartaches, shopping sprees, college admissions, beach trips, the transition from milk tea to coffee to alcohol. We grew up together. Without even noticing, ten years have passed since we graduated high school. Crazy.
Time is also different when I’m home… and I mean home-home, the Philippines. I can feel time slipping through my fingers with each day that goes by. I’m back in the place that holds my heart. In the place where I grew up, my core values were built, principles formed, beliefs established, and my dreams began. My heart weighs heavier on the last night of each trip home. Every hour passing is like a gut punch, surrounded by my closest friends who always see me before I hop onto my flight back to America. Even as a mom, my friends love me as I am, as I always was. How sad I have to live away from my people, yet how lucky I am to have them in my corner forever.
The worst times are when I see my parents cry. The image of my dad crying at the airport when I had to leave the Philippines for good is etched in my heart. I have a very similar picture of my mom taken years prior. She was bawling her eyes out while embracing my brothers so tightly before boarding her flight to America. I remember it being so hard to drop my mom off at the airport each time she came to visit. By the time it finally got easier, my turn to say goodbye came. Time is painfully funny.
Time is on default when I’m home with my daughter. I love our little routine. Each day is a balancing act of motherhood, work, house chores, and keeping everyone taken care of, myself included. Time is barely felt until we wind down and Amelia goes to sleep. It is only in these final quiet moments of each day that I have the space to notice how much she has grown. Her face has formed, her hair is longer, she’s so much bigger, yet I can still see the baby I held in my arms the day she was born. Then I ask myself, where did all the time go?
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May 10, 2023
I remember my lolo telling me when I was younger that the most painful thing anyone can make us feel is disappointment.
This sentence has been sitting in my drafts for almost two years now.
I loved being pregnant. Although terrifying, I also loved giving birth. And most of all, I love being a mom. This whole transition into motherhood has been magical for me. I’m getting butterflies just thinking about how Amelia used to move around in my tummy. I remember checking on her each week using Doppler to listen to her heartbeat. It was music to my ears. Back then, that was the closest I was to her, which is crazy because she was literally in my womb, but she felt so far away. Now she is right here, lying beside me, beautiful as ever.
The most painful thing anyone can make us feel is disappointment. My Lolo had told me this when I was writing about him for a paper in high school. It stuck to me like a line from a good book. I wonder, who had made me feel this way at such a delicate time in my life? I felt this way exactly eight days before experiencing one of my life’s greatest moments: the birth of my daughter.
I’ve been disappointed countless times in my life, yet the disappointment I felt during pregnancy and postpartum is of a different magnitude. These were pivotal times in my, or any woman’s, life. So, I paid close attention to how others acted towards me when I was at my most vulnerable.
The last months of pregnancy and the initial months of motherhood were the hardest. The sleepless nights, the adjustment to a new routine, a new body, a new baby, the constant change in hormones, the demands of breastfeeding, and of a full-time job as a paralegal to top it all off. I had no time or energy for the unnecessary drama or power struggles that some people around me seemed to thrive on.
Power play is such a miserable game I do not want to be a part of.
My frustrations aside, I agree with lolo. It hurts when people disappoint us. But there is a lot to take away from those painful experiences. Personally, I learn more about who I really am and what I value.
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My 27th Birthday
I remember waking up on my birthday feeling so loved.
I moved to the US three years ago. I was born in the Philippines on January 8, 1998. So, when the clock strikes 8:00 in the morning of January 7 PST, it’s already my birthday!!! (Because it’s the 8th in the Philippines.) So, basically, my birthday is 30 hours.
Anyway, I took the day off on Tuesday and Wednesday. On the 7th, we were booked for Disneyland, so I woke up early to prepare myself and my daughter for Disney!! When I went downstairs, my boyfriend had put up a “Happy Birthday” sign in our dining area. Then, on the table, there was a box and a card.
A little back story, I have this stuffed toy, Doggy Brown. I’ve had him since the first grade. He’s always been so special to me. He was the only one I took with me in grade school, high school, and college, even when I migrated. He’s like my home away from home. I’ve traveled back and forth from the US to Manila, and he’s always with me on the plane on every road trip. Gosh, my heart aches just thinking about my doggy brown. I miss him so much. I took him everywhere with me. Even when I migrated three years ago, he was the only tangible thing I had that felt like home.
In November, unfortunately, my boyfriend lost him…. and it broke me. Losing doggy brown was the cherry on top of the challenging year 2024 😦
So, back to January 7, 2025. In the box was a little stuffed toy that looked exactly like Doggy Brown. He even had the same “Aurora” tag, which is the same brand as Doggy Brown. He wrote that we would continue to look for him. I broke down… I miss doggy brown so much…but this little doggy brown helps. I named him “Lil,” which is short for “Lil’ Doggy Brown.” HAHAHA, anyway, he feels and looks like doggy brown, and for now, he will do. I genuinely appreciate that gesture. It’s like a band-aid on a broken heart. I’ve been extra anxious since Doggy Brown went missing, but I’m still hoping that I’ll find him.So we spent the entire day at Disneyland, and the first cast member who helped us gave my daughter and I some Disney pins! It was really windy that day, so Mia and I just walked around while my boyfriend went on rides. Mia had so much fun playing with other kids at ToonTown. We were supposed to stay for the fireworks, but due to the winds, they were canceled. So we decided to go home at around 7PM. Took a shower and tried to stay up until 12MN, but failed. Lol.
On January 8, 2025, I woke up to instagram posts by my best friends. My best friends, who are a thousand miles away from me, made me feel so special. They always do. I am just so incredibly lucky that they are my people. Our love for each other is so genuine and empowering. I am so thankful for them.
We took it slow that morning. I was still tired from the day prior so I took my time in getting ready. We headed out to Jollibee for brunch at 11:30. We were unsure about returning to Disney because of the wildfires in LA. Still, in the end, we decided to go anyway because the weather in Anaheim was pretty warm, and Disney was five minutes away. We went to Disney’s California Adventure, which was extra fun!! We did the Monster’s Inc. ride and the kiddie dance party, and then Jared went on the roller coasters while Mia and I walked around, ate good food, had a drink, watched the sunset, and watched the color light the show, which was amazing. It was so much fun.
I had a nice, intimate birthday this year with my little family. My heart is filled with so much love and gratitude! Aaaah I’m 27!!!! I feel brand new!!
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Dreamt of an angel
Mark visited me in my dream the other night. I woke up feeling so light and heavy at the same time. That dream was full of symbolism, but I won’t go into the other parts. I feel like I have to share what I saw and felt when Mark was in it.
So here goes.
I was in court. I was being sued by someone. Interesting to note, the person who sued me in my dream is also someone who antagonizes me in my waking life. One of the many symbolisms in the dream.
Anyway, this court room looks more like a church. It’s ivory. It’s the most beautiful courtroom I could ever imagine. It was truly divine. It felt sacred almost. Everyone in the crowd was also wearing white. I couldn’t see the faces. Another important detail was, I didn’t see my dad in the dream but I knew he was in the room and just knowing he was there made me feel safe.
I walk deeper into the court room and I see Mark. He was so close to me. I felt his presence. His face. His voice. It was literally like I was talking to him face to face, but I couldn’t make anything of what we were saying. Then he went up to the podium. Apparently, he was speaking for my opponent.
Mark wanted to become a lawyer. I think that’s what he was in my dream.
I remember staring at Mark as he spoke. He was speaking in front of a crowd. He still looks the same. Forever 19. Forever young. He had piece of paper in his hand. I remember feeling myself smile when I saw Mark looking down at the piece of paper as he spoke. Such a familiar sight.
Mark, I thought I’d never see you again. Thank you for visiting me, angel.
In my dream I was conscious that he was gone. But I was slipping in and out of reality because I remember thinking, wow he’s really here and he’s doing amazing, maybe 2018 was just a dream and it didn’t really happen.
Another significant person in the dream is our friend Michael, who, by the way, is now a doctor. I’m very proud of him. Michael was sitting next to me. Staring at me, he was crying, and the way he looked at me. There was a tenderness, sadness…comfort in his eyes, he knew what was going on in my head.
Michael touched my arm and told me, I really hope you win.
I think Michael’s role in my dream was to keep me in touch with reality.
I look back at Mark, and I still cannot make anything of what he’s saying. It was muffled words. So I try to I walk closer to him. I bump into another person and asked when would I speak, (remember I was being sued) and the person said “you wont, we will speak for you”, in a protective way.
As I made it closer to the podium, Mark was gone.
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Dear Amelia
This week, it was just us two. It was lovely. We settled into our own little routine quite naturally. I love our every day together. Our home is filled with peace, love, laughter… and chaos here and there. It’s the best.
Amelia, you are growing up so fast. Recently, we have been working on you talking. Momma’s been putting more time into teaching you basic words and sounds, with the help of Ms. Rachel and Blippi, of course. I know you understand us. I love how you show your emotions and communicate with us. Your eyes are so bright and expressive. And my gosh, you have the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen in my life.
You know what, my love. You have such a beautiful heart. Every time you walk around the house, you stop by your brothers Popoy and Peanut. One time, you were sitting on Peanut’s bed and petting him. I love how you go to them when you see them sitting in the corner. Last night, I even caught you sharing your peanut butter toast with Peanut! My gosh, my sweet love. Take that with you when you grow up.
You’ve become so expressive Amelia. All of your emotions are welcome in our home, big and small. Feel free to shout, sing, giggle, laugh, cry. You are safe with momma, and our home is your safe space. You get frustrated, mad, sad, happy, excited, goofy. You are very curious. You like to observe and pick up things, yet you know what not to put in your mouth. Haha!
Another beautiful moment this week was when momma was cleaning your play pen, you walked over to me, took the sponge, and scrubbed the mat too. My smart and helpful little girl.
Sometimes when we play, you get a little rough. You hurt momma sometimes, and when you notice that momma is hurt, you get all shy and give momma a kiss. You distract me with your cuteness….and it works every time, my sweet girl.
It is in in those little moments that you make momma the proudest. I feel like I’ve done something right when I see your kind heart shine.
Food-wise, you love broccoli! You’re not a fan of curry and unfortunately, you don’t seem to like eggs anymore. It’s okay, my love. Seasons come and go. Momma will cook you more variety.
Your current favorite books are the Peek-A-Who and Old Mcdonald. Good night Moon has also made its comeback to our nightly reads. You love turning the page while momma reads for you, and sometimes you also read along with momma. So smart.
Amelia, I’m sorry I make you cry sometimes. My heart hurts when I see your scared little eyes, every time I change my tone. You know, my love, momma only wants you to always be safe. Momma is never mad at you anak. I’m so proud of you.
As I write this in my notes app, you are sound asleep beside momma. I still can’t believe how lucky I am to have this life with you. I have been on cloud nine since the moment I first laid my eyes on you. Thank you for filling my days with endless joy, anak. You are my life’s greatest blessing.
Good night Amelia Blaire. You are so beautiful, kind, smart, brave, strong, sweet, funny, silly.. you are our world. I hope you are having the sweetest of dreams.
I love you more than life itself.
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Come out and play
I’m allowing myself to feel. I will let my logical mind rest, and pet my demons. It’s been a while since I’ve talked to them, let alone shared our conversation with you.
It’s been hard these past few months. Ever since I got back from the Philippines, it’s like I’ve been in a roller coaster of major shifts. Extreme highs and lows. Tonight, I’m feeling the exhaustion that I didn’t let myself feel. I had to be strong for everyone, and most especially my daughter. I feel like no one saw how much I sacrificed. No one sees me. But tonight, I won’t fight this wave of emotions. I see myself.
I’m tired. I’m angry. I’m disappointed. I’m stressed. I’m heartbroken. I’m frustrated. I’m scared. I’m mad. I’m annoyed. I’m sick of all the bullshit I take from people on top of all the things I had to endure.
I wish I was closer to home.
I miss my dad, my brothers, my mom. I miss my friends. Our house in the Philippines. My best friends. I miss my home. How selfish of myself to say that, when I am home. I worked hard for this home. I worked hard to be able to provide for my daughter. To make sure we live a good life.
I’ve been feeling like I’m on the verge of having a mental break down. I can feel it in my head. I feel the extreme highs and lows within my self. I just want to go home and retreat… even for just an hour or two. I just want to be in my room in my dad’s house. The house I grew up in. My safe space.
I want to cry in my own bed. Breathe manila air. Be with my friends. Have a drink. Feel the warmth. I hope I dream of home tonight. I don’t want to burden anyone close to me with how I’m feeling tonight. I know my family and friends are always there to listen but perhaps I do not have it in me tonight, to be disappointed for how my heart is received. I’m my safest space.
I’m feeling a little lost.
It’s like I’m doing all these adult things yet I can still recognize the scared little girl inside me…. I just want to give her a big hug. (It’s okay little me, be yourself, I will listen)
I hope when Amelia grows up, she knows she can always talk to me and she can always be herself, and I will always listen.
Anyway, this was good. I will sit down with my thoughts a little longer, some thoughts are only meant for me. I’ll try to meditate, I will most likely drink a beer, then I will go back to the drawing board, as my dad always says.
Head up heart strong. I got my own little girl looking up to me.
Good night.
*p.s. to whoever is reading this… I know this is so cliché… but whatever you’re feeling right now is so OK!! Your feelings are valid. Acknowledge, accept, and act accordingly. Let go of what doesn’t serve you and hold on to what does. These emotions are what makes us human!! Such is life and life is beautiful 🙂
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My mom
My mom is the epitome of strength. When I was in fifth grade, she moved to the U.S. for work, leaving her whole life in the Philippines. She was 35. In the Philippines, she was a stay-at-home mom. Here, she’s a career woman. Her first job was as a caregiver. She then made her way to sales, became a sales manager, and became a VP.
She built her life from the ground up. She did not just manage to survive; she thrived. She worked hard to give my brothers and me a shot at the “American dream.”
My mom is beautiful. It is evident in her physical appearance as she ages like fine wine. People always mistake her for my sister. In grade school, the teachers knew her as the young, pretty mom who always wore short shorts. Shortly after that, our school put up a dress code for parents. LOL. That’s my mom. She’s a head-turner and a game-changer.
Her beauty is not only skin deep.
Her heart is what makes her truly beautiful. She is kind, warm, nurturing, funny, fiercely independent, sure and secure in herself, and unapologetically confident.
Life gave her a fresh start at 48. I’ve never seen anyone take the bull by the horns so gracefully. One hell of a woman.
She’s my best friend. I’m so lucky that she’s my mom.
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Love love
On page seven of the memoir Some People Need Killing, author Patricia Evangelista narrates the death of a couple during Duterte’s war on drugs. It is told from the view of Love love, their 11-year old daughter. The gunmen barged into their home in the middle of the night. Shot the dad, then shot the mom who cursed at them after killing her husband. The gunmen, who are assumed to be police, killed her parents right in front of her.
Devastatingly, this is only one of thousands of deaths that happened in the Philippines during Duterte’s administration. He became president in 2016. The infamous President of the Philippines who promised the death of drug dealers. Making the masses believe that the death of all drug dealers meant the death of all crime and corruption.
I was a freshman in college when Duterte sat down as president. The beginning of his deadly War on Drugs. I wrote dozens of essays about extrajudicial killings back then, yet, it is my first time learning about Love-love or her parents. The only case that made headlines was that of Kian Delos Santos, who was shot dead by the police. He begged not be killed because he had a test the following day, but they still did.
How did they get away with it? Easy, the police say the victims resisted and fought back. It was self defense. It was self defense for Kian Delos Santos. It was self defense for Love love’s parents. It was self defense for the thousands more killed.
Sometimes the killers would place a piece of paper on the corpses that read “Drug pusher ako” or slip pouches of drugs in their lifeless hands. Crazy.
Even crazier – they call themselves vigilantes. Sure, whatever helps them sleep at night.
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Homecoming
On this day, two years ago, my life was completely different. My world crumbled. I had just found out that I was pregnant and was scheduled to get an abortion on the 9th of September that year, 2022. I remember each day leading to that appointment felt like a nightmare. On the day itself, right when I was in line with planned parenthood, I decided to keep my baby.
It was the most challenging time of my life. I was terrified, yet in my heart, I knew it was my time to be a mom.
Those days were hard. I felt alone. The people closest to me were against my decision and were not shy about letting me know of their disapproval. Someone very important to me told me, “I thought you were smart. You’re making a stupid decision.”
On the contrary, it was the best decision of my life.
Today, on this warm morning of the 7th of September 2024, my beautiful daughter is asleep upstairs with her dad. I’ve already taken out my boys (Popoy and Peanut), and I’m sipping on my cup of coffee. I’m in our new home. It’s quiet. Peaceful. The peace I cultivated.
The months leading up to this calm morning felt like a storm that would never end—event after event. Major changes. Big moves. I had to buy a car. I had to lease this townhouse. I had to exhaust the resources I had so carefully and meticulously built. I had to postpone a goal of mine, one that I have been working on for so long. I’ve invested so much energy, money, and time into this goal. I was so close to the finish line, only to withdraw from the race at the very last minute.
A triumphant defeat.
It was during these times that I truly saw myself. I am so beautiful. I am selfless, genuine, honest, kind, brave, resilient, strong. All the words I speak to my daughter every day, I spoke to myself. Life showed me what I’m made of.
In the process of providing and making a home for my family, I’ve come home to myself.
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Dear Amelia
My sweet love, everyday I fall more and more in love with you. You are so beautiful, brave, smart, kind, silly, and funny. It is 10:31 PM. You are sound asleep beside mama.
Where do I begin my love…. You are growing up so fast. I’m trying to savor each day with you. This age. This phase. You. These days go by in a blink of an eye. You just make mama so so so happy.
I do my best to fill your days with wonder and adventure. In the afternoon, I make sure to take you outside to connect with nature. I let you stand on the grass with bare feet. Grounding my love. Then you would usually sit down on my slippers and play with the dry leaves on the ground. Picking them up, staring at them, breaking them in your little hands. You are so intrigued with the brittleness of dry brown leaves. After the dry leaves you try to get on your knees to crawl on the grass but I pick you up.
Too much bugs anak. I know you really want to crawl around but your brothers (Popoy and Peanut) poop in the grass. Mama is just protecting you by making sure you don’t touch anything dirty or get bitten by bugs creeping in the grass.
My curious little love. I wonder what goes on in that mind of yours.
The other day you and I were playing with your dinosaurs. A gift from mama’s bff, your ninang Mica. You were laughing so hard at the way mama was saying “Jump jump jump” in my dinosaur voice. Oh my gosh Amelia, I wish my phone was close by so I could have recorded your precious non stop giggles. You were laughing for 10 minutes straight! My love you give me countless moments and memories like that on a daily. Each one of them I cherish deeply. My goal is to make you laugh everyday. Hearing you giggle is like hearing my favorite song. It’s the best.
You also love to read. Every time mama hands you a book, you carefully go through each page. You don’t like mama turning the page for you. My little bookworm. I love it when I leave you in your playpen with a book and catch you just going through the pages. You always knew how to entertain yourself.
Amelia, being your mom is my favorite thing in the world. Know that you are always first. Even when there is a million things going on, Amelia Blaire comes first.
Even when you were in my tummy mama sang to you. But since the day you were born, specifically sang the mocking bird song. I even have my own version for you. It’s my go to lullaby back in the days when I had to rock you to sleep. Now every time I sing that song, it makes you smile and you look at me with so much love in your eyes. It’s all the love I need anak. I knew you were listening to mama this whole time…
I am so lucky to be your mom, Amelia Blaire. Every time I look at you, I’m reminded of how beautiful life is. You are my strength, my purpose and my reason.
Sweet dreams my darling daughter. I love you more than life itself Amelia Blaire.
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Hello, I’m Margaux.
The Whole 9 Yards 