The Whole 9 Yards

Time is funny. It’s like each time I look in the mirror, I see a different person.

The first time I looked, I saw this girl with fear in her eyes, she had just found out she was pregnant. The next time I looked, I saw the same girl, but she did not seem so scared anymore. Her tummy was enormous, and her face was swollen, yet it was the most beautiful I’ve ever seen her. The next time I looked, she wasn’t alone anymore. Her eyes looked tired, and contrary to my first statement, THIS is the most beautiful I’ve ever seen her. She was overwhelmed, but she was at peace. The little baby in her arms, Amelia, was only days old. Now, I look in the mirror, looking so much like the first girl but entirely different. I look older, yet I’ve never looked happier. Amelia is now walking and is at the phase where she clings to me like a sloth.

I love this point in time. I wish I could press pause. Ever since I became a mom, it’s like life is on fast forward.

I’ve been talking to my friends a lot recently. One of my best friends is getting married, so we’re all very excited! I am very grateful for the moments I get to connect with them. We are in different time zones, and they are just as busy in their own endeavors. Time feels different when I speak to them. It’s like no time has passed at all. We talk and laugh like we’re the same people in high school. All the first loves, heartaches, shopping sprees, college admissions, beach trips, the transition from milk tea to coffee to alcohol. We grew up together. Without even noticing, ten years have passed since we graduated high school. Crazy.

Time is also different when I’m home… and I mean home-home, the Philippines. I can feel time slipping through my fingers with each day that goes by. I’m back in the place that holds my heart. In the place where I grew up, my core values were built, principles formed, beliefs established, and my dreams began. My heart weighs heavier on the last night of each trip home. Every hour passing is like a gut punch, surrounded by my closest friends who always see me before I hop onto my flight back to America. Even as a mom, my friends love me as I am, as I always was. How sad I have to live away from my people, yet how lucky I am to have them in my corner forever.

The worst times are when I see my parents cry. The image of my dad crying at the airport when I had to leave the Philippines for good is etched in my heart. I have a very similar picture of my mom taken years prior. She was bawling her eyes out while embracing my brothers so tightly before boarding her flight to America. I remember it being so hard to drop my mom off at the airport each time she came to visit. By the time it finally got easier, my turn to say goodbye came. Time is painfully funny.

Time is on default when I’m home with my daughter. I love our little routine. Each day is a balancing act of motherhood, work, house chores, and keeping everyone taken care of, myself included. Time is barely felt until we wind down and Amelia goes to sleep. It is only in these final quiet moments of each day that I have the space to notice how much she has grown. Her face has formed, her hair is longer, she’s so much bigger, yet I can still see the baby I held in my arms the day she was born. Then I ask myself, where did all the time go?