The Whole 9 Yards

I remember my lolo telling me when I was younger that the most painful thing anyone can make us feel is disappointment.

This sentence has been sitting in my drafts for almost two years now.

I loved being pregnant. Although terrifying, I also loved giving birth. And most of all, I love being a mom. This whole transition into motherhood has been magical for me. I’m getting butterflies just thinking about how Amelia used to move around in my tummy. I remember checking on her each week using Doppler to listen to her heartbeat. It was music to my ears. Back then, that was the closest I was to her, which is crazy because she was literally in my womb, but she felt so far away. Now she is right here, lying beside me, beautiful as ever.

The most painful thing anyone can make us feel is disappointment. My Lolo had told me this when I was writing about him for a paper in high school. It stuck to me like a line from a good book. I wonder, who had made me feel this way at such a delicate time in my life? I felt this way exactly eight days before experiencing one of my life’s greatest moments: the birth of my daughter.

I’ve been disappointed countless times in my life, yet the disappointment I felt during pregnancy and postpartum is of a different magnitude. These were pivotal times in my, or any woman’s, life. So, I paid close attention to how others acted towards me when I was at my most vulnerable.

The last months of pregnancy and the initial months of motherhood were the hardest. The sleepless nights, the adjustment to a new routine, a new body, a new baby, the constant change in hormones, the demands of breastfeeding, and of a full-time job as a paralegal to top it all off. I had no time or energy for the unnecessary drama or power struggles that some people around me seemed to thrive on.

Power play is such a miserable game I do not want to be a part of.

My frustrations aside, I agree with lolo. It hurts when people disappoint us. But there is a lot to take away from those painful experiences. Personally, I learn more about who I really am and what I value.