The Whole 9 Yards

I’m allowing myself to feel. I will let my logical mind rest, and pet my demons. It’s been a while since I’ve talked to them, let alone shared our conversation with you.

It’s been hard these past few months. Ever since I got back from the Philippines, it’s like I’ve been in a roller coaster of major shifts. Extreme highs and lows. Tonight, I’m feeling the exhaustion that I didn’t let myself feel. I had to be strong for everyone, and most especially my daughter. I feel like no one saw how much I sacrificed. No one sees me. But tonight, I won’t fight this wave of emotions. I see myself.

I’m tired. I’m angry. I’m disappointed. I’m stressed. I’m heartbroken. I’m frustrated. I’m scared. I’m mad. I’m annoyed. I’m sick of all the bullshit I take from people on top of all the things I had to endure.

I wish I was closer to home.

I miss my dad, my brothers, my mom. I miss my friends. Our house in the Philippines. My best friends. I miss my home. How selfish of myself to say that, when I am home. I worked hard for this home. I worked hard to be able to provide for my daughter. To make sure we live a good life.

I’ve been feeling like I’m on the verge of having a mental break down. I can feel it in my head. I feel the extreme highs and lows within my self. I just want to go home and retreat… even for just an hour or two. I just want to be in my room in my dad’s house. The house I grew up in. My safe space.

I want to cry in my own bed. Breathe manila air. Be with my friends. Have a drink. Feel the warmth. I hope I dream of home tonight. I don’t want to burden anyone close to me with how I’m feeling tonight. I know my family and friends are always there to listen but perhaps I do not have it in me tonight, to be disappointed for how my heart is received. I’m my safest space.

I’m feeling a little lost.

It’s like I’m doing all these adult things yet I can still recognize the scared little girl inside me…. I just want to give her a big hug. (It’s okay little me, be yourself, I will listen)

I hope when Amelia grows up, she knows she can always talk to me and she can always be herself, and I will always listen.

Anyway, this was good. I will sit down with my thoughts a little longer, some thoughts are only meant for me. I’ll try to meditate, I will most likely drink a beer, then I will go back to the drawing board, as my dad always says.

Head up heart strong. I got my own little girl looking up to me.

Good night.

*p.s. to whoever is reading this… I know this is so cliché… but whatever you’re feeling right now is so OK!! Your feelings are valid. Acknowledge, accept, and act accordingly. Let go of what doesn’t serve you and hold on to what does. These emotions are what makes us human!! Such is life and life is beautiful 🙂