The Whole 9 Yards

One hot day in September last year, I decided to go for a swim. I put my bikini on, took some selfies, and posted a photo on my story. I was feeling quite a bit self conscious around that time, so I needed an ego boost from reactions on instagram. Then I get a message from this random person that goes “you’re a lil fat”. Fuck this guy.

You know what I did next? I cried in the shower and cut my hair short. After my shower, I stared at my body. Nitpicking on the things I should work on. My thighs are too big, my butt can be better, and I want model abs. Eventually, I acknowledged that little random message on instagram… maybe I did put on some weight.

Then and there I started to spiral down into my thoughts. Thinking about all the things wrong with me. When I caught myself, I realized that I was different. On a normal day, I would usually brush off comments like that, especially coming from a total stranger online. But for some reason, I was more emotional and more impulsive than usual. Then it popped in my head – am I pregnant? I wasn’t late for my period or anything but something felt off. So I decided to take a pregnancy test.

The pregnancy test came with two sticks. I peed on the first one. That minute of waiting for the result was the longest minute of my life. In those 60 seconds, I was convincing myself that it was nothing. A false alarm. This had happened before. I’m just a little emotional sometimes. I gained a little weight. I’m not pregnant. I can’t be. I’ve taken of PTs before and they were all negative. Trying to negotiate a deal with the universe in my head to spare me, promising that I’ll be more careful next time. Even slipping in a little prayer in there.

But then the dreadful minute passed. And for the first time in my life… a second line appeared. My heart dropped.

I peed on the second test. No more imaginary deals with the universe. No more prayers. I watched that stick like a hawk. And before my eyes that second line appeared. Positive again. Fuck. It wasn’t enough for me. I had to hear it from a doctor. So then I went to a midnight pediatrics clinic to confirm it. I had to pee in a cup this time. A few minutes later, she confirmed it, and prescribed me with prenatal vitamins. I was pregnant.

A million things ran through my mind that night. My goals, my dreams, my plans, my youth… my beauty. I wasn’t ready to get bigger and rounder, and I knew that my body would never be the same again. I couldn’t see myself gaining so much weight everywhere. As Howl put it, I see no point in living if I can’t be beautiful.

Today, I am nine months pregnant and 30 pounds heavier. My body is rounder, wider, some parts darker. I gained weight everywhere. Yet there are days when I feel like the most beautiful woman on the planet. I can’t help but thank God, my angels, the Universe, for blessing me with this body that bears my child. This pregnancy reminded me of the beauty I always knew.

I disagree with the notion that outer beauty doesn’t matter and it is only the inside that counts. Our outer beauty is a reflection of our inner beauty. We see things as we are, and that shows in how we carry ourselves or treat other people or even take care of ourselves. Like a flower, like the sunset, like a cold rainy day, beauty has its many forms and it can never be narrowed down to a set of standards.

I know I look the worst when my heart and mind are in the wrong place. Insecurity and bitterness just has a way of showing in our actions and words. Like letting that random guy online get to my head. That wasn’t the first time I let someone else mess with my peace, and I’m sure it won’t be the last.

Although protecting my peace has been a priority for quite a while now. I can always do better. Moving forward I will be more conscious of my thoughts, because that’s where it all starts. I will do that by actively coming back to my principles and beliefs, some of the most beautiful parts of me. No one can ever make me feel less without my consent.

Especially being hours or days away from meeting my daughter. Those little eyes will look at me her whole life. Damn, I can’t wait to just stare in her eyes. I will be her main source of love, guidance, and light.

Oh my Amelia, everything is more meaningful because of you. Look at how you’ve changed my life already. My beautiful girl.

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